Toyhammer
by Baird of the Wastes
Summary: Richard, a history student, wakes one morning to find miniature warriors from one of the most violent universes are continuing their millenia-long conflicts inside his house. Richard is forced into the role of unwilling peacemaker to stop them destroying his home.
1. Chapter 1

Toyhammer

Chapter 1

At first, I thought I was asleep. When I opened my eyes I realised that the voices were in my room and the weirdest thing was this – the speakers were four inches tall and heavily armoured. They hadn't noticed me; they were still turned away from my pillow. I started to pick out specific words and phrases mostly directed towards the miniscule warrior who was barking out orders at a furious rate. This little Patton was dressed in a peaked cap and great coat, waving a pistol in the confident way that only those who know how to handle a firearm do. He didn't look quite as commanding when I threw back my duvet and inadvertently trapped him under swathes of fabric. As he scrabbled his way out he shouted up to me

"Xenos scum, prepare to be struck down by the eternal burning fury of the God-Emperor. Prepare to meet your doom."

I matter-of-factly replied with "If you try that, I will flick you half way from here to London. Capiche?"

The minute officer barked "What kind of Xeno are you? I don't recall eliminating any of your vile kind before; not that novelty has ever made me pause before."

"Firstly, I am human. Secondly I have a name. Richard. You appear to be a scale model human. I'm surprised you don't recognise me. I'm hard to miss from where you're standing. It is as if we are in the most bizarre Hall of Mirrors of all time. Talking of strange sights, I would like to get dressed and would really rather I didn't have an audience of fifty-odd midgets. Did you have a specific reason for congregating in my bedroom?"

The officer stared down at his boots, realising they were incapable of overpowering me and muttered "There are Tau outside. We will be killed. We were seeking sanctuary. Forgive my aggression – the Tau are an enemy of the Imperium of Man. We assumed you were a friend of the Tau or Chaos. When we entered the room we interpreted your bulk as a mountain range behind which we could regroup and formulate an exit plan."

I looked down at my abdomen. I have been more toned but bulk? Really? I turned to the officer. "Outside this room or outside the house? It's an important distinction."

"Outside the room. Can't you hear them congregating?"

I leant towards the lock side of my bedroom door and pressed my ear to the crack. I could indeed hear the sounds of combat. There were at least three different tones of arms fire. A high-pitched semi-automatic burst, a slower rifle volley and the throaty roar of something akin to a tank cannon. I sighed. A morning of coffee and Sunday papers suddenly seemed a suicidal prospect.


	2. Chapter 2

Toyhammer

Chapter 2

Carpet Bombing

I reached into my wardrobe and grasped the first poorly ironed attire I could find. The Imperial Guard looked intently at the X Files poster on my wall to avoid unintentionally catching a glimpse of something they would rather not see. I turned back to the officer and asked " Do you have any idea of the exact events going on outside this room?"

"When we fled...err, I mean regrouped in here, we left have our number behind covering our backs. I expect they will be holding their own against the Tau – I left the most expendable officers on your courtyard. I expect the more skilled NCOs will be taking command by now. I never liked my command squad – too arrogant and self-serving. Their traits will have been their downfall. However, may the God-Emperor have mercy on their souls."

I was taken aback by the cold-heartedness of what I had just heard. "And the Tau... what exactly are they hoping to achieve. What kind of military might do they possess? I have no intention of either living out my years in my bedroom or prematurely ending them on my landing carpet."

"Landing? Is that what you call then huge expanse of soft, dark red terrain beyond this area?"

"Yes.. and it's actually deep pile Axminster."

The officer pulled out a crumpled, crudely drawn map from his pocket and scribbled Axminster across the middle section as if he had discovered a long-forgotten city. I decided not to correct him. It seemed unnecessary. He folded it carefully and placed it into the inside pocket of his overcoat. He then rather dramatically clasped his hands behind his back and paced up and down the bed – the gravitas of his gait diminished somewhat by the fact that he was knee-high in bedding folds.

"The Tau are an alien species who wish to force their philosophy of 'The Greater Good' on all sentient species in the galaxy. The premise of the philosophy is to work together to build a common utopia."

I thought this sounded an admirable if naive quest but my initial perception was changed as the officer continued.

"I can see you think this is a laudable aim but it is not for two reasons. One, they are alien scum, two, they annex Imperia planets to pursue their goal whether the inhabitants wish it or not. It is their dream of unity not ours. It never will be. The fifteen million human colonists they massacred in the Roburos system are a testament to that. The Tau have plasma technology in the form of plasma rifles, they have antigravity speeders equipped with the same technology. Their Crisis Suits are akin to mobile walkers but with Tau pilots. They may or may not have bombers here. All I know is we do not have air support and I would love a Maurader right now. I can surmise they haven't any starships in orbit because if they had we wouldn't be having this conversation."

I understood very little of the consequence of the officer's descriptions. "What does all that mean to me in reality if I stepped outside this door in the next minute?"

"Our flak armour may be a little tight for you. Without additional protection you are likely to suffer multiple small areas of full thickness burns even through your clothing."

I looked down at my T Shirt and imagined Luke Skywalker's peachy complexion being flayed right off as the fabric encountered plasma fire. If I was to reach the Tau command I wound need to layer up. I started pulling on T shirts and jeans over T shirts and jeans, careful to ensure my favourite items were closest to my skin and least likely to succumb to a fiery end. When I had finished I looked not so much Hulk as Boomer.

I opened the door and a bolt of super-heated plasma flashed across my balaclava-covered face .


	3. Chapter 3

Toyhammer

Chapter 3

If You Can't Stand The Heat...

I spun round in time to see the gloss paint bubble and flay off my bedroom door frame. Before I had time to face my attackers again, a small but powerful yell of "FORWARD" rang out from my bedding. A flurry of guardsmen ran out through the door towards their beleaguered comrades who looked more like terrified mice cowering behind the God-awful vase of dried flowers my mum gave me as a house-warming present. I was secretly delighted to see the contents of the vase were largely incinerated in the preceding fire-fight.

Dotted here and there on the landing carpet – the killing fields of "Axmister" – were the corpses of maybe ten or fifteen guardsmen, all of whom had succumbed to plasma fire. I thought of the perverse pleasure the commanding officer would glean from the demise of these "arrogant" souls. I was prevented from dwelling on this by the commander's decision to scale my jeans in an attempt to communicate with me over the din of rifle fire. A glancing shot from a Tau energy bolt caught the buttons on his lapels and threw him sideways so he was dangling precariously from my belt with only his left hand.

In a move that would have had Sergeant Roach Sanderson impressed, he swung up feet first, stood upright on my belt buckle and held my T shirt as he let off a volley of shots towards the Tau warriors. Sensing his Beserker rage was about to end both the officer's life and my chances of procreation, I darted swiftly to my left into the bathroom and slammed the door, setting the officer down on the edge of the bath.

"What the hell is your problem? You are grossly out-gunned. Surely your tactics are slightly more detailed than a simple 'die with your boots on' policy?"

"Exactly! We _are_ completely outmanoeuvred. What other option is there but self-sacrifice for the God-Emperor? Victorus aut mortis."

"_I'm_ your other option. I am gargantuan in your world. We need to gather all your surviving men into a safe zone away from enemy fire and find out any reconnaissance they might have performed while out in the field." The officer looked doubtful and expressed fear that his remaining men would be picked off by snipers as soon as they were congregated in my arms and that his superiors would have him shot for cowardice by relying on the unofficial aid of a civilian.

"Trust me. I have secret, if low tech weapons!"

I picked up the lid of the laundry basket that was two inches of wood overlaid with toughened Perspex and grabbed the aluminium pedal bin from under the basin. I thought briefly about tipping the tissues and cotton buds out of the bin but decided they created a soft, if mildly gross, cushioning.

"Voila! One shield and one troop carrier. If I am coming to your aid I think it's time I learnt your name."

The officer clicked his heels together, extended his back and saluted, looking beyond me into the middle distance. "Commissar Leonard Reyes, 495th Cadian. Acting Colonel."

"Acting?"

"Colonel Retslaf is missing, presumed dead. Good riddance to a career sadist."

I picked Reyes up by his coat collar when he shouted "As high as you can...I need a bird's eye view to command the proceedings."

Quick as a flash I pressed the pedal of the bin and popped him inside. Ignoring his echoing expletives, I lifted the laundry bin lid to my face, took a deep breath and opened the bathroom door.


	4. Chapter 4

Toyhammer

Chapter 4

Murphy's Influence

As I edged open the bathroom door, I heard a shout of 'Imperial Gue'la! Surrender in the name of the Greater Good. We have a tank and will fire.' Reyes continued shouting, screaming and banging on the inside of the bin.

'Fight on, figh...wait! A tank? Let me out of here!'

Deciding I needed the colonel's advice, I opened the bin and slid Reyes into the small pocket of my outermost T shirt.

'You had no right to do that to an Imperial officer. If I didn't need your assistance, I would execute you!'

I ignored his bluster and ploughed on with my enquiry. 'So, about the tank.. I do really need your expertise on this if we are to reclaim my house.'

The officer pondered this for a moment and then cleared his throat as if to deliver a momentous speech.

'Well, the Tau are notorious liars and may not even possess a tank. Blasted Xenos. Their tanks have relatively thin armour but the infantry will no doubt be planning to give the tanks covering fire to allow them to get into optimal position to attack us. I suggest we use the heavy base of your glass covered shield to crush the tank. This presupposes you have first disabled the infantry.'

I bent forward to replace the laundry bin lid and realised that my significant increase in girth, due to my copious layers of clothing, wouldn't allow me to lower the bin back to the floor without risk of ejecting Reyes out of my pocket. I rested the bin on top of the lid and placed Reyes on the cistern. I began stripping off my T shirts and gathered them in layers across my forearms.

Reyes barked 'What are you doing? You will need the protection afforded by those garments.'

'Well..' I responded 'I think I have a way of dispatching the Tau infantry. These shirts can act as fabric restraints. I intend to throw them over the infantry in a smothering action to both hinder and disorientate them. This will allow me to return to the bathroom, grab the laundry bin and use its weight to crush the tank...if they do indeed have one.'

I held out my forearms to Reyes and he scaled the fabric Matterhorn, pulling himself up, Reyes resumed his previous vantage point on my shoulder.

As I nudged open the door again, I heard the Tau commander recommence his rigmarole.

'For the Greater Good...'

He never finished the sentence because I bellowed back,

'For the greater good of everyone, shut the hell up!' With that, I threw the layers of clothes in quick succession on to the startled Tau warriors. The guardsmen, who were still hunkered down behind the remnants of mum's hideous vase, began nervously chuckling at the Tau struggling to extricate themselves from the weight of overlying cotton. As they did so, individual Tau faces appeared, white with fear at my sheer size. Now, I have shaggy brown hair, a permanently quizzical look and the overall demeanour of the geeky history student that I am. No-one had ever looked upon my face with anything other than mild amusement.

However, it felt better than a face full of super-heated plasma.

I looked around for a tank but couldn't see anything. I asked the guardsmen of its whereabouts. One of the emerging Tau shouted up,

'Stupid Gue'la, we didn't have a tank. We wanted to draw that coward Reyes out of his bolt-hole.'

At this, the guardsmen, angry at the insult to their commander, began to sprint from behind the vase to the edges of the fabric overlying the Tau. Working together, like the groundsmen at Wimbledon, they pulled the T shirts rapidly back over the Tau and sat on the edges to contain them beneath.

I hovered over the clothing and motioned to the guardsmen to step away from the fabric on my mark. I counted down on my fingers and mouthed 3-2-1. I bundled the T shirts and enveloped Tau into a ball and threw it into the bath, fully aware that they couldn't scale the steep sides with any great speed. I snatched up the laundry bin lid, held it to my face and Reyes gestured wildly at a Tau being pulled out from under a Halo T shirt. I extricated him fully while blocking plasma fire from the bottom of the bath, turned and pressed the pedal of the bathroom bin and dropped the Tau commander inside, trapping him.

I slammed the bathroom door shut and tiptoed through the tens of guardsmen, who were sitting scattered across the landing, to avoid inadvertently crushing one of Reyes' men.

I sat down at the edge of the landing with my feet dangling onto the stairs and placed the bin beside me, resting the laundry bin lid on top for extra security. As I did so, the faint sound of jet engines heralded the arrival of several black armoured figures flying up the stairwell. I looked sideways at Reyes, who was wide-eyed with a look that I hadn't seen on his face before. One of awe. I raised my eyebrows to indicate my expectation of more information from Reyes. He inhaled deeply, straightened his cap and breathed,

'The Space Marines are here. Thank the Emperor!'


End file.
